Review 8- Zaat! (AKA Blood Waters of Dr.Z- 1971)

 


    Boy, this movie is a hard one to talk about. Nothing really happens in this movie, and when something does, the movie finds a way to do it wrong. This movie isn't even so bad it's good, its just bad. This movie is even worse than "The Legend of the Titanic" and "The Creeping Terror" combined. Well, without anymore stalling (God knows I want to keep stalling, but the review must go on), let's talk about "Zaat!".

    The movie starts off with the best way to start off a movie - a title screen with no sound! Yes, we only get a terribly hand-drawn pair of eyes, with the movies alternate title "Blood Waters of Dr.Z" over them. Yes, this movie is an obvious overachiever. Then we get our soon to be fishman Dr. Kurt Leopold (Marshall Grauer) spurting out phrases such as "And just at the right moment, ATTACK!", and "I love you, Sargassum fish" over stock footage of ocean animals, that look just about as confused as the viewer is. Leopold is then seen wandering around like he doesn't know where he's going, with the soundtrack of a terrible folk song about the upcoming events of the movie.

   He enters his laboratory, which looks more like someone's basement, and describes his formula "Z sub A sub A sub T". Then he does something nobody wanted to see, he strips down to his underwear. He then ejects himself, or rather poorly make it look like he ejected himself, with a strange yellow liquid. He then pushes a button, which makes the blood water from the title of the movie shoot out in his inside pool (because most laboratories have those). The doctor then puts himself in a harness, and almost falls off in the process, to emerge himself in the food coloring that's suppose to be blood.

   After raising himself from the pool again, we see that he turned into one of the worst movie monsters I've ever seen. He's suppose to look like a catfish, but to me he looks like a mix between Trumpy from "Pod People" and the Grinch. He announces how beautiful he is, then he looks at his wheel to decide who is the first to be fish food. In the beginning of the movie, he said he was going to take over the universe. Well, he's going to take over the universe one person at at time.

   We then see two cliche characters- a sheriff who can't act in the slightest (Paul Galloway) and his assistant...? The scene doesn't really go anywhere, it's just there to introduce these bland characters. We then see him stalking a girl (Fish can be perverts too), which he kidnaps the next morning, constantly tripping on the way. The Zaat tries to turn her into a Zaat too, but since she's pushing up daisies, it doesn't work.

   After more killing scenes, bland dialogue from biologists, sheriffs, and agents alike, the Zaat breaks in to a department store and throws everything all over the place. We then see more of the agents and sheriff, investigating the murders, and not until 20 minutes from the end, sheriff remembers the doctor, and says hes probably behind it. He then captures the girl agent, Marsha (Sanna Ringhaver, and by the way, I had to look up these character's names, because they are barely mentioned), and her friends have to save her. They find Zaat in the laboratory, and he kills the sheriff, and nearly kills Rex (Gerald Cruse). Marsha gets ejected with Zaat, but is saved by Rex before she can get put in the food coloring..... I mean blood water.

  The monster than runs like a chicken (Or chickenfish) with canisters of the formula with him. Marsha follows him to the ocean, both to supposedly to never be heard from again. The movie then ends, and this is when everybody lets out a sigh of relief.

   This movie is the absolute meaning of awful. It barely has a plot, bland characters, terrible acting, a god awful costume, and unprofessional camera work (The cameraman kept a shot of nothing happening for a whole minute). But this is nothing compared to what's next.

My rating: 2/10  IMDB rating: 2.5/10 Next review: Monster A- Go Go (1965)

Review 7- Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla

   This is a movie that stars one of the horror movie greats, Bela Lugosi. But on the downside, it is easily one of the worst films he's ever been in. And to put a cherry on the crap sundae, it was directed by William "One Shot" Beaudine, who brought us such other masterpieces including "Billy the Kid Versus Dracula" and "Jesse James meets Frankenstein's Daughter". So, let's jump into "Bela Lugosi meets a Brooklyn Gorilla".

   The movie starts off with a narrator describing the wonders of the jungle, over stock footage of animals that don't live in the jungle, and live mostly in savanna (Including lions and hyenas). It then cuts to the stars of our film (You thought that Bela would be the star? Well you're way off!), Duke Mitchell (A Dean Martin ripoff) and Sammy Petrillo (Jerry Lewis ripoff). They are lost on this island, and are looking for the way off. The Natives decide to let them stay in their village, and are friendly to the ripoff duo. Dean... I mean Duke falls in love with the Native Nona, who assists Dr. Zabor (Bela Lugosi), and she thinks he could help them get out.

     The duo and Bela meet, and after telling a few terrible jokes, become terrible enemies. He explains that he is creating a way to turn men into apes. After more unfunny jokes with a chimpanzee, they decide to stay at his hut.

     Jealous that Duke is closer to Nona then he is, he decides to turn him into a gorilla. But we don't see this happen until the LAST 10 MINUTES OF THE MOVIE. Meanwhile, we get some bad songs, terrible dialogue, and even worst jokes. Once he finally turns into a gorilla, Jerry... I mean Sammy finds him, and tries to figure out a way to set him free. Once they do, Bela finds and shoots him. I'm not kidding.

   But, it ended up it was all a dream! Yes, this is probably the most cliche way to end the movie. And it ended up they were about to be late for their routine. And on the way to the stage, he runs into all the people he saw in his dream- Nona, Chula (Bela's servant), Saloma, and even Bela himself.

  This is the worst movie I've ever seen Bela in, without a doubt. Worst than "Bride of the Monster" and "Glen or Glenda?" combined. Also, Sammy and Duke were sued at the time of this release by Martin/Lewis for stealing their act. So, this was a big flop either way.

My rating: 2/10 IMDB rating: 2.9 Next Review: Zaat! (1971)

Review 6- Santa with Muscles (1996)

      Yes, I know I said I would review "Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla" next, but I found the perfect movie to review. This movie has a way of finding two things people like- Christmas movies and Hulk Hogan- finding the worst of the two, and putting them in a movie. Without further ado, this is John Murlowski's "Santa with Muscles".

    We see Hulk Hogan, playing the character Blake, who is going out to play paintball with his friends. But first, we'll have to throw out the first of many fight scenes in this movie. Ya, there will be a lot of them in this movie. We see Hulk's employees (chefs, butlers, etc.) attacking him from every side, until they said his time was 4:23. Displeased, he walks into his mansion to get ready for his friends to come over.

    After the game starts, he drives like a lunatic, and gets caught by a police officer, who thinks that he is a terrorist. Because, that makes sense. He then requests for backup, and he almost gets caught. But, good thing Hulk is clever, because he shoots his paintball gun at an officer's window. He says out loud, in an open roof car, that he would hide in a mall.

   It appears that the mall desperately needs a Santa, because the mob of little kids are getting angry from waiting too long. But luckily, Hulk finds a Santa suit, that he decides to hide in, so he doesn't get caught. But after having a bad encounter with a little kid, and seeing a part of Hulk's old clothes, they figure out its him. He hides in a vent where the garbage is thrown, and he gets hit in the head with a ceramic Santa.

     He is then found by Lenny (Don Stark), who is happy, because his boss said she would give $50 to the person who finds a Santa. He is also happy, because after looking through his wallet, it has enough money to pay back to our antagonist Ebner Frost (Ed Begley Jr.). Hulk wakes up from his amnesia, and Lenny tells him he is really Santa.

     After meeting some kids in a terribly unfunny sequence, he overhears two guys who were stealing money from a donation bowl fighting with a little girl. He beats the crap out of them both in a hilarious fight scene, and gets an applaud from the audience. He then sees the scene for the orphanage the donations were for, and decides to go over there to help. Lenny didn't exactly go along with the plan, but decided to go with him.

     The orphanage has a problem- they are constantly being harassed by Dr. Blight (Steve Valentine) and his cast of bufoon scientists Dr. Vial (Kai Ephron), Dr. Watt (Diane Robin), and Dr. Flint (Kevin West). And to give you an idea of how ridiculous these villains are, here's a picture:

     After destroying the orphanage's statue, they get into another fighting scene with Hulk Hogan. They then welcome Hulk and Lenny to stay,  and they agree. They are then harassed by the scientists once again, and one of the orphans tries to slingshot Frost's mansion. Hulk stops him, and the scene ends. Was there any point to that scene? Nope.

    Hulk then finds out about a secret clubhouse, Hulk manages to break open the door, and they discover that it leads to a cave, covered with expensive crystals that make electricity. The scientists find out they discovered it, and capture Lenny, who is told to betray his friends. He does so, because after another fight scene, Hulk Hogan gets his memory back, and is back home. And when he comes back to the orphanage, he finds out that Lenny let them take over, and that Frost is making the kids mine for the crystal.

    Following many more pointless fight scenes, we find out that Hulk Hogan himself was a former resident of the orphanage, and that Frost used to be his best friend. They have a final battle, and then one of the crystals explode the entire orphanage. Yep, everything that the cast fought for in the movie was gone. That's good payback for the hour and a half I wasted watching this!

    The movie ends with Hulk getting an idea, by letting all the kids stay at Frost's old mansion. The movie then ends with throwing the Santa hat on the bush, possibly symbolic of throwing away a possibly good idea for a good Christmas movie.

This movie wasn't that bad. but wasn't all that great either. It had over the top acting, fight scenes galore, god awful effects, and a bad plot. But still, it was nowhere near as bad as many of the others movies I've reviewed up to this point.

My Rating: 5/10 IMDB rating: 2.3/10 Next Review; Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla (1952)

Review 5- The Legend of the Titanic (1999)

    Everybody knows about the Titanic, the ship of dreams that tragically sank in 1912, killing hundreds of innocent people. Also, everybody knows the 1997 James Cameron film by the same name, making the story even more tragic by adding lovable characters. Well, in Italy, some movie makers decided to make an animated adaptation of the film, just erasing all historical correctness, a non existing plot, and a rapping shark. Without further ado, lets rip into "The Legend of the Titanic".

    Our movie starts off with some talking mice children reading an article about the Titanic. Their Grandpa mouse explains that nobody actually died on the Titanic, and they got everything wrong. Ok, that's a great start! Let's just challenge history right away! The children then ask him to tell the real story, because he was a passenger of the Titanic. He agrees, and our story begins.

    It shows the boarding of the Titanic, with people and mouse alike eager to go on the ship. We then see Elizabeth (Jane Alexander), who is arguing with her father, because she is forced to marry a men she doesn't love, Evard Maltravers (Gregory Snegoff), who is a rich whaler. Little does the father know that it is all a scheme so Evard and Elizabeth's stepmother can get whaling rights.

   When Elizabeth and her family go aboard the ship, they see a group of gypsies dancing on the dock, and she specifically watches Don Juan (Francis Pardeilhan), who is dancing with his dog (I guess he just can't find girls with that hairdo). He sends his dog Smiley to go see her, and as she takes off her glove to pet her, he snatches the glove and gives it to Don. After a rather creepy scene (Glove sniffing), the Titanic sails off.

   Two mice who are also on board Conners (who is also the grandfather) and Ronny decide to sneak off and see the first class. They see that Elizabeth isn't being treated well, so they decide to help her. She then walks to the bow of the ship, when she finds out she can talk to dolphins, because there were some magic moonbeams in her tears,,,, what kind of movie is this?

   The mice then introduce themselves to Elizabeth (Did the moonbeams let her talk to mice too?), and say that they will help her. Now with more pride... I guess... she tells her father that she doesn't want to marry Evard, and he takes it better than the first time she said it, when she said she would rather die (taking this movie's logic, I'm not surprised). Her stepmother is furious though, and Elizabeth responded by saying that she should marry him instead, which is honestly a great idea, since they're both evil, and are making the scheme together.

   The mice and the dog, who make an alliance, lead Don to Elizabeth, who dance without even sharing more than three lines of dialogue together (I guess its love at first sight). But meanwhile, Evard and the stepmother decide to make drastic measures, by making Evard's butler tell a gang of criminal sharks (Which raises another question, do they have the moonbeam too? And also, WHY!?) to sink the ship when they send a telegram. The mice overhear the conversation, and decided to chew apart the telegram wires.

   The sharks trick a giant octopus with a dog face named Tentacles (Just go along with it), into throwing an iceberg to the surface by saying they're having an "Iceberg throwing contest" even though sharks have no way to through the ice. Our diabolic duo then tie up the father, and by gunpoint force him to sign the wavers for whaling rights.

    The Titanic then runs into the iceberg, and they cant avoid it, because the sharks are holding onto the rudder. The ship then hits it, and starts to sink. The dolphins then start nagging at Tentacles about the Titanic, who holds onto the Titanic so the passengers can get off in time. The mice then find out that now that they cut the wire, they can't call for help. They find their friend Camembert, who volunteers to help by using his mustache to attack the wires (Which doesn't make much sense, but this movie has no sense), and it works, but he dies in the process.

  Don and Elizabeth find the father, and manage to untie him in time to escape the ship, The ship starts to break into two, so Tentacles rises to the surface to wrap his tentacles show they stay together. Our protagonists jump into the water, and they are saved by a whale (Ya, this movie is whale obsessed), and survive. Once everybody was off the ship, Tentacles couldn't hold on to the ship anymore, so he sinks with it, and is supposedly killed.

    The next day, everybody arrives in New York, and Don and Elizabeth get married, as well as Conners and some girl mouse that wasn't in the movie until then. All of the sudden, everybody runs to the Brooklyn Bridge, to see Tentacles is still alive somehow, and so is Camembert (Which is unexplainable because we saw him die). They then dance on the bridge, and have a happily ever after.

  The end of the movie is Grandpa Conners explaining that whales are still hunted to his grandchildren, who run away (Probably because they were terrified about their Grandpa's mental health) and we see then see Stella, walk in. And that's it.


    This is officially the worst movie I've reviewed so far. Not only does it make it no sense, it insults everybody who died on the Titanic, by changing history so it can have a happy ending. And can you believe, this actually has a sequel? Ya, I'll talk about that one soon. Well, I can say this is one of the worst animated movies I've ever seen (And I've seen Foodfight). Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to go read about the REAL Titanic.

My Rating: 1/10. IMDB Rating: 1.3/10   Next Review: Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla (1952)

Review 4- Shock Treatment (1981)

 

     One of my favorite movies of all time is "The Rocky Horror Picture Show", and I was happy to find out there was a sequel, with some of the same actors! But alas, once I found it on Youtube, I was disappointed and bored. I couldn't believe that the same writer who brought us such colorful characters, great music, and brilliant comedy could have given us this train wreck. Without further ado, let's talk about "Shock Treatment".

    This movie starts off with somebody putting their back to the audience, with a narrator describing Farley Flavors, by saying "He was a fast man". We then cut to a TV studio, with the channel's employees singing the somewhat catchy Denton anthem, with a live audience joining in. We then see the same couple from the first film, Brad (Cliff Dee Young), and Janet (Jessica Harper, who is in another one of my favorite films, "Phantom of the Paradise").

    They are chosen to play in the channel game show, Marriage Maze, hosted by the blind Bert Schnick (Barry Humphries). Bert says that Brad has to go to the Denton insane asylum, which doesn't really come to surprise, because he was singing about how the kitchen appliances don't help him with his relationship. They are then sent to the asylum, by the name of Dentonvale. The employees include brother and sister Dr, Cosmo and Dr, Nation McKinley (Richard O' Brien and Patricia Quinn), Nurse Ansalong (Nell Cambell AKA Little Nell), and "Rest Home" Ricky (Rik Mayall).

    So the definitely mentally-stable workers drug and tie up Brad, and allow Janet to stay at the asylum, At the same time, these events are being viewed as a soap opera, and is being watched by the live audience in the studio. We then cut to a decent song called "Lullaby", as we see all the characters before they go to sleep. We see Janet laying down for some shut-eye (Or as Tor Johnson would say it, "Time for go to bed!"), Cosmo and Nation having an incest-relationship, and Ricky taking pictures of the nurse.

   We then find out that Farley Flavors is behind all this, because he has a crush on Janet. He then sings a song to her through a television, and the lyrics prove that he wants to be the ultimate supervillain- "Im going to shoot for the moon, im going to play high noon, im gonna play high noon, i'm going to take on the entire human race". Then, Cosmo plays up to Janet's ego, makes her a new outfit, and makes her an overnight sensation.

    Janet, her parents, and Bert decide to visit Brad, by Janet saying her entering line "Hi Brad! I've just come to tell you how fabulous I am!". They then sing the best song in the movie, which is ironically the title track, and then it is shown that Bert actually isn't really blind. Then, back in Janet's room, she starts to get out of control, so Cosmo drugs her. This leads to an extremely unnecessary dream sequence that goes on for too long.

    Right before Janet's new show premiers, two secondary characters Judge Oliver Wright (Charles Gray) and Betty Hapschatt (Ruby Wax) find out that Cosmo and Nation aren't actually doctors, and that Dentonvale isn't a real hospital. It is also found out Brad and Farley (Who is also played by Cliff De Young) are twins that were separated after their parents died in a car crash.

    They then confront Farley about the plan, and he requests that Brad gets sent back to the hospital after Oliver and Betty saved him. Janet then snaps out of her ego, and says that she never signed the contract that they asked her to sign in the beginning of the movie. Farley makes them get arrested, and hands the studio audience straight jackets, which they happily put on. Our protagonists escape from the cell they were put in, steal a car that was meant to a prize, and drive off, supposedly never to return to Denton,

   Yes, this was indeed a hard one to sit through. I almost fell asleep from it four times, I was that bored from it. Also, the plot is very confused, as it tries to be symbolic, but it doesn't exactly know what its trying to say. But, on the other hand, a lot of the performances are good, and I also like some of the songs off the soundtrack, including "Farley's Song", "Little Black Dress", "Denton USA", and of course, "Shock Treatment". Other than that otherwise, this is a movie I wouldn't watch again.

My rating: 4/10 IMDB rating: 5.7
   

Review 3- Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)

                 

         Boy, do I have a stinker for you today. This is the infamous 1966 film "Manos: The Hands of Fate", directed by Harold P. Warren. The director actually wasn't even a director to begin with, he was a retired fertilizer salesman. But somehow, without any experience, he managed to create a cult classic, and a film considered by many as one of the worst movies ever made.


         The movie starts off with everybody's favorite way to kick off a movie- driving! We then see the protagonists, Margaret (Diane Mahree), Micheal (Harold Warren), and their daughter, Debbie (Jackey Neyman). Margaret explains to Micheal that she's afraid, because at some point they got lost trying to find their vacation resort. It then cuts randomly to a couple making out in a car, and a police officer chasing them off. Does this scene add anything? No, nothing it all.

      They decided to pull over to a house that they said wasn't there before. They are greeted by Torgo, who explains he's in charge while The Master is away. And to give you an idea of what Torgo looks like, here is a picture.

            The family decides to stay, even though Torgo begs them to leave, because The Master doesn't accept guests. Later that night, mysterious and SPOOOKY things start to happen. The family's dog disappears, and then their daughter. The master then returns, and brings all his wives to life (We don't really get an explanation of why he has so many wives, but I digress). They say that Torgo was harassing them before, and the Master decides to punish him, by burning his hand off with terrible effects.

         The wives start talking about how they should kill the daughter, and let Margaret live. They then start fighting over this with a 15 minute long wrestling match (Why would you start to question things about this movie?), and the family tries to get away, but The Master finds them. The movie ends with a new family coming to the house with a plot twist of MICHEAL taking Torgo's place, and saying his famous line, "I take care of the place while The Master is away. 

     I believe this movie is far from the worst, because I've seen other movies like "Monster A Go-Go". Its another movie that's so bad its good, and is a highlight of its genre. The movie also has a nice atmosphere. While not necessarily scary, it definitely sends shivers down your spine.

My rating: 4/10 IMDB rating: 1,9/10.

Review 2- The Creeping Terror (1964)

When you think of bad monsters in movies, what do you think of? Roman, the scuba-diver helmet wearing gorilla from "Robot Monster"? The giant vulture puppet from "The Giant Claw"? The ping pong eye men from "Killers from Space"? If you think those are bad, wait until you see the monster from "The Creeping Terror", which is just a GIANT CARPET.

Look at that! This movie definitely wins the award for the worst monster put to film, Also, when director/star Vic Savage finished the movie, he accidentally knocked out the soundtrack. So, he added his own soundtrack. And don't even get me started on the plot! Martin, a sherrif, has to stop this excuse of a monster from eating up everybody.

Other than the monster, there is really no reason to watch this movie, It is unbearably boring, and is overall poorly done.

I give it: 2/10. IMDB rating: 2.1/10

Review 1- Beast of Yucca Flats (1961)

     Boy, this one is sure a clunker, and the best way to kick off this blog! The movie stars Swedish wrestler Tor Johnson (Known for his performance in Ed Wood films) and is directed by Coleman Francis (also director of Red Zone Cuba). The movie was originally shot without sound, so in a way its similar to "The Creeping Terror".


     The movie revolves around the scientist Joseph Javorsky, who after being in the slowest car chase ever put to film, runs out of a car and gets into contact with a nuclear explosion, and getting deformed. How could they make this plot not work? Well, they somehow did, by adding bad acting, a non-existing plot, and over all hilarity, The narrator doesn't clear up the plot either, he just spits out random sentences, including "Flag on the moon. How did it get there?". The movie ends with a non- scripted event, with a baby bunny walking up to the dead Tor Johnson.

    Well, this movie isn't "Plan 9"so bad its good, but it's definitely not the worst. Its the type of movie you would watch when your in the mood to laugh at an unintentionally funny movie.

I give it a 3/10. IMDB rating: 2.5