Yes, I know I said I would review "Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla" next, but I found the perfect movie to review. This movie has a way of finding two things people like- Christmas movies and Hulk Hogan- finding the worst of the two, and putting them in a movie. Without further ado, this is John Murlowski's "Santa with Muscles".
We see Hulk Hogan, playing the character Blake, who is going out to play paintball with his friends. But first, we'll have to throw out the first of many fight scenes in this movie. Ya, there will be a lot of them in this movie. We see Hulk's employees (chefs, butlers, etc.) attacking him from every side, until they said his time was 4:23. Displeased, he walks into his mansion to get ready for his friends to come over.
After the game starts, he drives like a lunatic, and gets caught by a police officer, who thinks that he is a terrorist. Because, that makes sense. He then requests for backup, and he almost gets caught. But, good thing Hulk is clever, because he shoots his paintball gun at an officer's window. He says out loud, in an open roof car, that he would hide in a mall.
It appears that the mall desperately needs a Santa, because the mob of little kids are getting angry from waiting too long. But luckily, Hulk finds a Santa suit, that he decides to hide in, so he doesn't get caught. But after having a bad encounter with a little kid, and seeing a part of Hulk's old clothes, they figure out its him. He hides in a vent where the garbage is thrown, and he gets hit in the head with a ceramic Santa.
He is then found by Lenny (Don Stark), who is happy, because his boss said she would give $50 to the person who finds a Santa. He is also happy, because after looking through his wallet, it has enough money to pay back to our antagonist Ebner Frost (Ed Begley Jr.). Hulk wakes up from his amnesia, and Lenny tells him he is really Santa.
After meeting some kids in a terribly unfunny sequence, he overhears two guys who were stealing money from a donation bowl fighting with a little girl. He beats the crap out of them both in a hilarious fight scene, and gets an applaud from the audience. He then sees the scene for the orphanage the donations were for, and decides to go over there to help. Lenny didn't exactly go along with the plan, but decided to go with him.
The orphanage has a problem- they are constantly being harassed by Dr. Blight (Steve Valentine) and his cast of bufoon scientists Dr. Vial (Kai Ephron), Dr. Watt (Diane Robin), and Dr. Flint (Kevin West). And to give you an idea of how ridiculous these villains are, here's a picture:
After destroying the orphanage's statue, they get into another fighting scene with Hulk Hogan. They then welcome Hulk and Lenny to stay, and they agree. They are then harassed by the scientists once again, and one of the orphans tries to slingshot Frost's mansion. Hulk stops him, and the scene ends. Was there any point to that scene? Nope.
Hulk then finds out about a secret clubhouse, Hulk manages to break open the door, and they discover that it leads to a cave, covered with expensive crystals that make electricity. The scientists find out they discovered it, and capture Lenny, who is told to betray his friends. He does so, because after another fight scene, Hulk Hogan gets his memory back, and is back home. And when he comes back to the orphanage, he finds out that Lenny let them take over, and that Frost is making the kids mine for the crystal.
Following many more pointless fight scenes, we find out that Hulk Hogan himself was a former resident of the orphanage, and that Frost used to be his best friend. They have a final battle, and then one of the crystals explode the entire orphanage. Yep, everything that the cast fought for in the movie was gone. That's good payback for the hour and a half I wasted watching this!
The movie ends with Hulk getting an idea, by letting all the kids stay at Frost's old mansion. The movie then ends with throwing the Santa hat on the bush, possibly symbolic of throwing away a possibly good idea for a good Christmas movie.
This movie wasn't that bad. but wasn't all that great either. It had over the top acting, fight scenes galore, god awful effects, and a bad plot. But still, it was nowhere near as bad as many of the others movies I've reviewed up to this point.
My Rating: 5/10 IMDB rating: 2.3/10 Next Review; Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla (1952)
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